†.pharma.dreams

newlj

2005-04-26T11:42:30Z

glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks glowstiks

__share the love <3

friends only

2005-01-01T06:00:08Z

(i have the right to accept&reject.. this is mine, after all.)

peccatum @ 2004-12-31T18:22:00

2004-12-31T22:22:42Z

i typed down a really long entry a while ago, and i wonder why it didn`t make it. it was about things i dislike.

& bipolarity.
& dishonesty.
& two-facedness.
& missunderstandings.

i explained them all quite well.. something i`m not going to do now.

anyway, i don`t really understand all the events going on in my head. i have been going like this for a few days. i noticed that the more i pay attention to the things going on in my room, the colder i start to feel. i look at people and i analyze, re-analyze and over-analyze the situation. i begin to drift away and distance myself. i am going back to the old me, it seems. i`m not sure on if to be happy about it, or angry. i`m feeling a few batches of jealousy, and every time i can feel the features on my face change. my eyebrow narrow, my eyes begin to seal, my lips curl with disgust. i`m not that happy anymore. i`m also not the jealous person.. but in this case i`m amazed at how jealousy just fired up within my frame. i don`t like it much, i must admit. it corrodes my feelings and attacks my inner self.

i`ve decided that as of january 1 this journal is going to be friends-only. i`m sorry, but that`s just the way it is.

my new year`s resolution: (...)

peccatum @ 2004-12-30T23:20:00

2004-12-31T06:01:26Z

well, i went to plaza and i guess that i had a good time. i`ve re-written this post three times already. oh well. i got there and i said hi to my friends, and we hung around for a while. guille was getting a new beanie for himself. then millie accompanied me back. i talked to some people, hung out for a while and then set up arrangements to go to a movie.

well, i went in and JL bit me on the back of the neck. the mark left was really nasty.. anyway, we had a really nice time in there.. he kept on teasing us, though. we enjoyed watching the movie.. so then my mom called and i had to go, and he kept holding me down.

i went outside and i said goodbye to tommy and a bunch of people. then i went into borders, and i saw jenny, monclo and midget. i asked them to come with me to accompany me to the car, then i got to some thinking.

(i am an individual. i am one.)

zenitheal realm

2004-12-29T15:37:07Z

i woke up and i seemed to be in a dream today. my mom came into my room practically screaming and woke me up, then grabbed a hold of me and kissed me. i felt somewhat scared. she talked to me for a while, then she left te house.. and i was left here with my eyes wide open and no desire for sleep at all. Memories of yesterday were all a blurr, and my head was hurting more than usual. so i got myself ready at 9 am and went online. what else?

sitting with a window open to the nexus, an old friend came by and we started talking about the zenitheal realm. now, that`s a memory to keep. so we got really into our chat, and decided to re-construct the zenitheal.. since all the other realms have been killed off. all that is left in that rp community is the nexus and wareyasui. so it seems some good times might be brought back-- all we need now is the roleplayers back and we`re set. so yes.. the zenitheal is finally coming back-- and guess who`s more involved this time! me! ^^

peccatum @ 2004-12-28T15:36:00

2004-12-28T19:38:03Z

well, yesterday was really intense. i was talking to tommy on the phone and monclo online. my old liking to the nightmare before christmas is back. i even downloaded some of the song si used to listen to very frequently. now to the real problem-- monclo.

he was in a very depressive state. i don`t really understand why, but the truth is that all he wants is to take our friendship further. he is longing for it in a way i have never seen anyone else long for something. i frown, because i haven`t given him his wish. i guess i kinda feel guilty.. and it does seem to be my fault. everything to do with this subject is my fault. we talked about it for a while and i feel sick. he`s even cried for me, no one does that.. no one.

this is a very difficult situation, and i need to get my head straightened... soon. now. well, i`m going to be going in circles around the matter until it is solved.

peccatum @ 2004-12-28T02:52:00

2004-12-28T07:01:22Z

i can barely stand the cruelty that lies within my frame. i made my friend cry.. i feel so guilty. i see him trying and trying, and i know how much he wants it. i see how much he tries. he believes that changes won`t take place.. but i fear them.. i fear them so much. i don`t want to lose his friendship. he belives that our friendship will never delude. he thinks it`ll grow stronger.. he doesn`t look at the future. the only thing sure is uncertainty. and up to now, so many things have not been positive... so many things brought me down.

he sent me the flash and it brought tears
he cried and it hurt.
he went away and i felt terrible

my extremities hurt, so does my heart.
i need a partisan.. i need support.. i need to make up my mind. i need to stop hurting people

peccatum @ 2004-12-26T16:26:00

2004-12-26T20:29:24Z

Damien: man,i really miss you guys
Katsy: Gaaaa people really miss you too!
Katsy: Just not the same anymore
Damien: awww
Damien: *hugs*
Katsy: Yeah ><
Katsy: Hahaa yey
Katsy: Hey I just remembered something
Katsy: You tried to bite me last time! Aaa And you said you would. = P Very funny..
Damien: don't worry,when i come back to visit i will bite you
Damien: *Evil Grin*
Katsy: Whaaat?
Katsy: Hahahahaaa
Damien: and i'll bite you in the neck to top it off
Katsy: You wouldn`t dare..
Damien: wanna bet?
Damien: i WOULD dare
Katsy: You`re probably all talk.
Katsy: J/k.
Damien: one way or another you're gettin' it
Katsy: ...Yeah... Ookay..
Damien: you just wait
Katsy: Hahahahaa..

<3 damien is so adorable.. i used to have the biggest crush on that guy.. he rejected me, though. = \ oh well! he didn`t think katsy is GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM! or something..

peccatum @ 2004-12-25T18:45:00

2004-12-26T04:08:04Z

well, once more.. merry christmas! i couldn`t sleep well because i used the ouija board for the first time in my life. i talked to j4, ruth & brian. brian was the only one from the light i could talk to, and he said he would gladly talk to me every time i used the board. he was later interrupted by ruth, though. she is said to be my guardian angel, but she is not from the light. they told us things about my neighbors and about me.

the day was dull, and in the end i saw alexander.. it was a really good movie. i enjoyed it to the max.. i brought back many good memories of when i was in class with liliana and we were still friends. oh well.. i miss her a bit... bah, no i don`t. move on..

peccatum @ 2004-12-24T15:37:00

2004-12-24T20:02:05Z

...lots to tell. well, i staid on the phone until endless hours.. then hung up with a heavy heart. tommy likes me too. well, i barely slept.. my mom kind of pulled me out of bed and took me to the hair cemetery, where my hair was doomed. they cut around two inches off. i feel vulnerable with it being so short. no one will notice, though.

well, today is christmas... merry christmas!! from everyone`s favorite rocker, katsy. kisses to all of my friends, those who have stoof behind me all year round, and those whom i have just recently met. i value you for who you are and not where you`re from.. you guys have a deep place in my heart. <3 kisses

well, tonight i`m going over to my grandmother`s house.. we puerto ricans have such a distinct way of celebrating this eve. i`m going to drink lots.. be back home at dawn to talk to you guys ^__^

merry christmas!

(JL`s christmas present:)
ârkâñgè£...Nosferatu...The God of the Vampires..My Xmas Present Is A Bite From Hell... says:
u'll pay
- †.the cinders are falling like snow..//katsy se recorto el pelo >< [need a new email.. now.] says:
...Whaaat?
Pay??!
ârkâñgè£...Nosferatu...The God of the Vampires..My Xmas Present Is A Bite From Hell... says:
bite will come to u

peccatum @ 2004-12-24T00:55:00

2004-12-24T04:56:34Z

after much attempt, i got my mom to take me to the mall to see my friends monclo&jenny. i got there.. and i hung out with tommy&ileana for a while. i put joe`s cape on, and walking through the mall we ran into javi, joe&sunev. i took a few pics of javi, and then we turned back to head to borders. tommy was freaked out when i showed him the thin purple border around my eyes. e couldn`t believe it.

anyway, i met up with my friends and we went into the movie theater.. i really don`t know what happened. i guess i got kind of out of and.. i played around with the two, but very soon the games got very serious.. very, very serious.. it was pain, i tell you. pain. so after i really messed things up with two of the kids that loved me the most in the world, i sat there feeling so uncomfortable. in my head: [you really fucked up now, kat.] so i stood up and i ran away, out of the cinema.

on the way out my eyes clouded with tears and faces turned to look at me. i went on. i went outside and screamed, then sat next to tommy. i didn`t want to get macy involved so i shunned her. i put a bowler hat on and lowered my head. out of nowhere came jenny&monclo, and i was really feeling dispaired. she kneeled down before me, and he stood next to me.. she sounded so sweet. "katsy..?" ugh.. my friends are awesome. after that, i wrote a bunch of psychotic things in tommy`s notebook, and i went to the parking lot to talk to monclo. we then came back and waited for jenny`s parents to pick her up. then i just sat with monclo to talk.

gahh, i hate heartbreakers.. now watch what i`m doing now. am i a part of what i myself hate? i listen to my friend and i don`t even know what to say anymore.. i just need some time to think and get my head straight.

peccatum @ 2004-12-23T13:26:00

2004-12-23T17:47:37Z

man that was awesome yesterday... i stayed up all night online&at the phone.. usually, i get offline at around 3 am to talk until 6 am... but today i was on the phone with tommy from 1 am to 6 am in the morning. antare called and i had to hang up on him = (.. anyway, we are such emo kids!! we talked about all our love frustrations, and very serious events of the past that marked us. it was a really productive phonecall.. in once, after he talked about his jack&sally situation.. he almost started to cry. it was as beautiful a call as ever. we hung up at 6:04 am.

them some shocking&startling words were left on my vf account.. they made me lay awake until 8 am that day, thinking. thinking. thinking. i know that he has the best intentions.. but so far i`ve seen so many with pure good intentions.. and in the end it is impossible to carry everything out.. i don`t want to live my whole life and then look back and say "what if.."

+ what if damien would have given me a chance?
+ what if i would have given monclo a chance?
+ what if i could have made someone else happy?
+ what if moving to the USA a few years back would have made my life better?

i guess i mught just never know.. or will i?

-omg, i just noticed.. DAMIEN`S ONLINE! that will always be my lifelong platonic love.. i never knew why he didn`t give me a chance, guess he just didn`t like my physical looks.. haha he said i don`t have any type of curves.. after the fucker bit my arms. ah, he told me he wanted to bite me before he left. i didn`t let him, though. JL still bites me every once in a while, though.

(YES. i post more than once a day.. if i can.)

birthday from hell

2004-12-23T03:40:10Z

ughhh.. couldn`t have been worse. i did not:
1.go to the fair to see jenny n monclo... grrr... i tried and tried and tried
2.however, i did %see cow`s parents.. they asked my mom about my current physical condition and she told them that it isn`t improving.% which it isn`t. that was a mayor pain in my ass.
3.dumbass father made a huge show in plaza and really hurt my feelings.
4.i`m getting all stupid and lovesick.
i guess this is just one of those really bad emo days when you need a reality check. ughughugh... times like these i need someone to call.. or text message with cute little love lines..
end rant

peccatum @ 2004-12-22T13:44:00

2004-12-22T17:50:30Z

well the shocking story for the evening has been: someone likes me. whaaaaat? oh yes! natasha jumped out all of the sudden and told me i`m winning over all the guys. clueless, i asked her more about it. she said that someone asked her about me, she said she was beginning to get to know me. all of the sudden he put a bashful face on. i thought it was antare because he had gone to a mall in caguas... and so had she. anyway, it wasn`t him. the next batches of info that came around made my back shiver. then naty goes: he used to stare at you all the time, and he said that you looked at him back.. and smiled, but never stopped to talk. this is weird, when i got a pic of him, i didn`t recall ever seeing him in my LIFE! ugh. x.x not this again...

after that, she said many things:
he used to go to plaza to see if you were around.
he asked me to send him our conversations.
i helped him make an account on yahoo earlier... and guess what his password is. katsyhim. i almost peed on myself from laughing.

my lower lip twitched. then i found out that he wants me to add him to yahoo.. and for every bit of info about myself i gave him, he would send me a picture of him. i`ve looked through these pictures, and i`ve never seen this guy before in my life... plus he seems to be in his twenties or something. all i know is that his name is mike rivera.

on a happier note, today is my mother`s birthday! yey!
happy birthday, mom!

peccatum @ 2004-12-21T23:46:00

2004-12-22T03:59:34Z

well i`m a bit frustrated.. trying to think up a new e-mail to use for msn messenger. truth is i`m having too much trouble with my current one.. and anyway, keeping track of more than two e-mails is a pain.. hm.. oh well...

miracle.. antare called me.. ^^ i`m going off to talk to him now...

peccatum @ 2004-12-21T18:47:00

2004-12-21T23:06:56Z

well,i`ve been reading a bunch of sites and lj entries on anorexia&anemia, also on cutting. i miss it. i miss it all.. but i`m not stupid enough to fall back into that trap.. hell no.. it hurts to see how my own best friend struggles with that stuff continously. it calls for me. the memories will never fade away, i continue moving but they remain floating behind me. i know that anemia i never asked for.. anorexia was unconscious, i never wanted to eat so i would not get fat.. this started sinc ei was around 11. my mom has always been the perfect anorexic, i`d say.. she passes the days without breakfast, and then has some crackers and other stuff for lunch... or a pizza slice and coke.. she is sickeningly skinny.

i really want to go back to cutting, but the stupid anemia won`t leave me the fuck alone. up to now it seems i will have it forever.. no matter how much i eat, i`m not producing enough blood.. maybe i should go back to the hospital and accept the donation my cousin submitted under my name. i miss it.. i miss it all. why must it be haunting me?...

i stopped cutting around two months ago.. from long years of doing it.. to a sudden cease. every once in a while i open up the small box where i keep those two unused razorblades of mine.. and i think as i hold them. fuckfuckfuck.. not going back... not going baaack..

and on the love side, my friend jj asked me out a few days ago and i was reaaaally shocked. who would have thought that jj liked me that much? it was a total surprise. anyway, i`m running away from love.. and poor monclo seems to be getting affected by it. aa i feel like a horrible person.. but i`m just not cut out for love... no.. nonononono... >< it hurts.. love hurtshurtshurts... too much.. i don`t want to be heartbroken again..

peccatum @ 2004-12-21T15:37:00

2004-12-21T20:18:01Z

well.. this is my new lj yey! = D my good friend adri was kind enough to help me out with my many questions.. aww thanks! ->

well, i need to pick up all the stuff in my room... i don`t know, christmas vacations got here and i feel really lazy. don`t know why... but it`s pretty stupid of me, i guess.. everyone knows that kat has some sort of weird obssession with being clean. >>; aa!

weeeell.. what else.. i`m thinking of making this a friends-only lj in time.. and that`s about it.